Am I Submissive?

I’ve been questioning everything.

As I heal and delve deeper into what I’ve been through, I sometimes wonder if my kinks are rooted in trauma.

Am I a submissive?

Or was I conditioned early on to believe my safety depended on those around me being happy? Was I conditioned to think that self-sacrifice was the key to being loved?

Am I actually a “little”?

Or do I just enjoy experiencing moments now that I never had a chance to share when I was young? Innocence, nurturing, and being genuinely cared for?

Am I a masochist?

Or do I love suffering for someone because it’s a pain I can control? It’s a pain that I know is coming versus being blindsided. Do I enjoy it because deep down, punishment feels familar?

Am I uncomfortable receiving pleasure because it feels vulnerable?

Or was I trained early to think that my body was not for my own pleasure? That having the focus on me means danger and shame?

Am I uncomfortable being the center of attention because I get anxious?

Or does being seen make me feel like a target, and I'd rather blend in?

Am I afraid of most men because I’m an angry feminist who is occasionally bitter, and I unfairly blame them?

Or am I afraid because I have been raped, beaten, abused, bullied, stalked, objectified, degraded and traumatized by so many?

Am I broken? Am I doing the best I can? Do I have trust issues? Am I desirable? Am I too much? Am I undesirable? Am I enough?

The truth is? - I’m all of it.

I'm all of it on different days at different times.

It's not one or the other, because more than one thing can be true at the same time. Life is so much more complex than we realize.

I’m broken in some moments and strong in others. I"m angry some days, and sometimes? I’m just so exhausted.

I’m tired of surviving.

I’m tired of coping and having to heal from the pain caused by others.

I’m tired of racing thoughts and asking myself these questions repeatedly.

And I’ve realized that there should be no shame, there is no shame...in accepting myself for all of these things. Sometimes, we look endlessly for answers when there isn’t one answer. We are human, and we aren’t easily definable. What is true for me may not be true for you - and that’s okay, too.

I’m everything.

I’m everything I listed and more - and there should be no shame in being me.