Exploring the "Need"
TW-Themes of self-harm
I have written about this topic before, but I think sometimes writings get lost in the sea of postings I have. With the response of my latest piece "Need", I felt compelled to write about this again. Please note that this contains personal experience and descriptions of self-harm. If this is something you find triggering or upsetting, please don't read.
The first time I remember hurting myself was in grade 1. Of course, I didn't realize at the time what I was doing and why. I did know when my mom was yelling, I felt soothed and calmer if I folded my arms to hide my hands and pinched the skin underneath my arms as hard as I could or dug my fingernails in. Sometimes I would do it so hard I'd draw blood.
When I did this, my moms voice seemed quieter, and I didn't feel so afraid. It's amazing the ways we learn to cope even when we are little.
As I grew, pinching my skin turned into cutting it. I eventually had therapy of course. Quite a bit over the years, and the therapists always ask "why?" "Why do you think you cut?" The answer has always been for release and escape. But unless this is something you have actually experienced I don't think you can fully understand, what it feels like.
The best way I can describe it is that there is a build up of physical and emotional energy. It feels frenetic. Out of control. The more I try to suppress it, the bigger it builds and the urges get even stronger. It's not that I am angry or unhappy either, it is just something that builds over time. Suppressed emotions, suppressed pain, anxiety, it becomes to much and then I need to release it.
I've tried a myriad of ways to release it over the years. There are even lists now on the internet titled "Things to do instead of self harm". Nothing on that list comes close to providing the relief I need, some of those things will delay it, but only temporarily.
And then, I discovered BDSM.
Sex is connected to almost all my kinks, I don't often separate my BDSM practices from it. There is a fluidity to them. What started as being spanked during sex, I realized through other types of impact play satisfied the urges and provides the release I so desperately needed.
There is such peace, relief and satisfaction in enduring pain and suffering for someone you care about. It discharges that build up, and I am set free. The relief it brings is better than any orgasm. It sets my mind to quiet, I float in the stillness.
When submissives and those who identify as a "bottom type" talk about needing maintenance spankings or that there are therapeutic BDSM practices. I understand and completely agree. My kinks now provide a safe outlet for me to get the release and relief I need.