Navigating Fetlife: A Quick Safety Guide
EDIT:
Fet as a site has deteriorated. In my experience its poorly moderated, and often a source of harassment, especially for those in marginalized communities. Please keep this in mind before joining. I’ve greatly reduced my presence there.
Creating your profile
For a long time I felt there was part of me that was unfulfilled. I knew that my thoughts and desires were different than the mainstream. I knew what I craved, but felt so alone in it. To help me gain some insight, I started doing research to learn more about fetishes and kink. While researching I came across a site called Fetlife.
As Fetlife describes: "FetLife is the Social Network for the BDSM, Fetish & Kinky Community. Like Facebook, but run by kinksters like you and me."
To join the site you first need to create a profile. While it’s tempting to rush through and get to the “good stuff,” taking your time with your profile is essential because it represents you. It gives others a first impression of who you are, why you’re on Fetlife, and what you hope (if anything) to get out of it.
Your fetlife profile is where people can learn about you. Of course, in an ideal world everyone who contacts you on fet would have read yours first. That isn't always the case. But here are a few things to keep in mind regarding safety. I frequently receive questions to my inbox from new arrivals to fet, asking for my advice. Often it is other littles, babygirls and submissives who are overwhelmed by what they discover there, and don’t know where to begin. I do my best to point them in a good direction, but I thought perhaps having something written I could link to would be helpful.
What I’ve put together here are things I have learned (sometimes the hard way), my experiences as well as input from friends, fet family and people who responded to a post I wrote there asking for suggestions.
I’m writing this with the female submissive in mind, (because that is who I get questions from and how I identify) though others might find it helpful.
Please note: I am not an expert by any means, these are thoughts and opinions.
Also- this information is not everything you need to know. I spent a ton of time reading and researching and looking for my own answers, and still do. I encourage everyone to put time into learning as much as they can about BDSM, their own fetishes, safety practices and themselves. There are great resources online and books as well as other fetlife members. I’ll list a few at the end.
Your Fetlife profile & safety
Set up a separate email address just for your fetlife profile
Don’t include contact information like phone numbers, your address, or email on your profile -remember your profile can be publicly viewed by other members! (I know this seems obvious, but I’ve seen it)
Don’t use your real name for your username or share your real name on your profile ( or in private messages imo) or the names of family members or pets
Don’t share other ways people can contact you off of Fetlife unless you've set them up for fetlife only. My instagram link on my profile for instance is Fet use only
if you’ve set your location to Antarctica or somewhere else because you don’t want others to know your exact location, then don’t join groups that have your city or state listed either i.e. The California Kinksters Group. This goes for events too. (if you're always attending a munch in a certain city, its pretty obvious that's where you are or at least live close)
I would also advise that you don’t share your occupation, especially if you are in public service, or if you have an account on linkedin. People can search by occupation and location easily
Don’t cross post your pictures. Which means… have a face pic on facebook and also post it to Fetlife? I could do a reverse image search and find you in under 5 minutes if you’ve cross posted public pictures from other social media with fetlife.
You don’t need to publicly share your fetishes. Many do, some share a few and then share the others with those they trust the most. Posting limits is a good idea, it can give people an idea of your boundaries before they approach.
Be mindful of the legal ramifications. And the social, familiar, professional and religious impact of practicing bdsm. A lot of people are not able to be honest about their kinks openly. Which is awful imo but something to keep in mind. Society at least in the U.S. and around the world for that matter can be quite puritanical and judgemental still.
Your openness to accepting friend requests and followers really depends on your comfort level. You can be choosy though. Personally I find having a smaller friends list means I get to know my friends better and I find the interactions more meaningful.
Also note that you can set privacy with your pictures and writing by selecting just friends instead of fetlifers which is publicly seen.
If you arrive on fetlife and aren't sure of what “label” or role you identify with, that's okay. No rush. There are options like exploring and evolving for that very reason. Also you don't need to put yourself in a box and stay there. People change and evolve over time. Who you are when you join fet is not necessarily how you’ll view yourself a year from now
Photos/ images:
In the world we live in screenshots are easy. Be mindful of the pictures you share as they can be easily taken from the site. to help prevent this quite a few women and photographers now use “watermarks” on the photos so they're not easily stolen
the person who you’ve been talking to or who has messaged you? Have a look at their profile before you engage. Are they only posting memes? Or pictures of porn from the internet? Is it actually them in their pics? (reverse image search comes in handy especially if they are a complete stranger or you feel uncertain about them)
have a glance at peoples activity feeds before you friend or consider them for other things. How they interact, comment etc with others on a regular basis says a lot about how they will interact with you.
I am very leery of people who have zero pics of themselves on their profile. I understand the need for privacy especially if you have a high profile job, but there are a ton of picture possibilities that would still keep their identity safe.
Question mark profiles? Or brand spanking new? Just arrived on the site 3 minutes before hand? I don’t engage, respond or interact at all. Who knows who they are.
If you’ve moved the conversation off of fet, think twice about the pictures/video you send someone... once they are out of your hands they are out of your hands
General information:
Frenzy happens to both sides of the slash. Discovering Fetlife is like being a kid in a candy store and exploring kink is exciting. Slow yourself. Don’t rush. There is no reason to do everything and everyone right away.
Don't jump into anything- relationship or otherwise too quickly. Be friends first. Move slowly. Waiting a couple of months, sometimes more "usually" weeds out the manipulators, they aren't patient enough to wait for you to be ready.
Learn the power of the block button. You don’t owe anyone anything. (I block freely and often)
Work on building a solid and trustworthy support system on fet and in your community
If it sounds too good to be true, it definitely is. Consider intentions and motivations behind others actions, including your own
people will flow in and out of your life and journey. It's natural and expected. Be thankful for the time you had with them
mentors should be just that -a mentor, which means you'll matter to them and they will guide you, and answer questions. Mentors shouldn’t become sexually engaged with those they are mentoring
kindness goes a long way, so does taking the time to point someone in the right direction if they have questions, you were new once too.
there is no "right" way to do anything- you will make mistakes and that's okay. It's a journey not a destination
Kink is not a competition. Everyone has different desires, needs, skills and capabilities. There is no crown or cash prize for the kinkiest person
hold off on giving access to people to reach you off Fet until you're 100% sure you want them to reach you
Please Please think about your safety, not everyone has good intentions, including those who are just looking for “friendship”
learn about consent, negotiations, respect boundaries and safe words
respect the relationships and dynamics of others as well as their contact preferences, they will usually state in their profile whether it is okay to contact them directly or if you should refer to their protector, Dom or Owner
there will be drama. You thought it was just high school but really it's life.
your kink is not my kink and that's okay. People may not understand yours. (Sometimes they don’t understand mine. I get messages and comments that try and shame) The block button is your friend.
for some Fet provides fantasy and escape. Not everyone wants real life experiences. Also? Not everyone is upfront about that.
people will say things to each other here they would never say in person
Munches, events, workshops and conferences are wonderful public ways to meet people
don't underestimate the impact that sharing your story and experiences might have on the people reading them.
be supportive and encouraging, our society has trained us to criticize, lets build each other up and not tear each other down
your fet experience is what you make it - I've had rough patches but the friendships I've made here, I wouldn't trade for anything.
Groups
There are lots of groups on Fet which provide info, especially in their Sticky sections.
Novices & Newbies- I did not have a good experience with this group, I think quite a few thirsty “Doms” await the arrival of new people they can take advantage of. I also find many of the people who respond to questions are ironically judgmental. However, the sticky section of this group is great. Lots of good information
BDSM Glossary- a great place to look up terms and roles and do some basic reading
Submissive Women Being Supportive - This is one of my favourite groups. Supportive environment and a safe place to ask questions
Psychology and BDSM- I enjoy the discussions in this group
There is also a tab on the top menu bar of the site called Q & A, there you can see what questions have been asked and answered as well as ask your own. The answers can be hit or miss depending on the person.
Books & Websites
The Ethical Slut by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton
More Than Two: Franklin Veaux (poly focused but helpful for everyone)
The Topping Book by Dossie Easton
The Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton
SM101 by Jay Wiseman
Kynk101.com
The Kink Academy
The Submissive Guide
Ask people you meet on Fet to recommend what they've found helpful as well
Be mindful that if you are reaching out to someone to ask questions, you likely aren't the only one, be patient for replies