Kicking Fears Ass: My Path to Healing

Our life experiences change the colors and types of lenses with which we see the world. Our perspectives change because of what we’ve survived; perspectives of ourselves, of others and the world around us. Trauma definitely changes the brain.

I’ve overcome a lot. Multiple abusers, and multiple traumas. It profoundly altered how I interact with the world around me. I have dealt with fear for a good portion of my life; suffering anxiety and feeling on high alert at all times. It is exhausting, and takes a big toll on the mind and body. It got to a point where I couldn’t walk around the block in my own neighborhood because I felt so afraid. And if I did manage it? I would walk head down, often looking behind me, holding my keys between my fingers at the ready. I think many people, especially those who identify/appear female can relate to that feeling of needing safety when out alone. I walked because I knew it was good for me, but I really couldn’t wait for it to be over.

I made the choice last year to do it as often as possible. People do exposure therapy for a reason right? So, everyday I would walk around that block, as fast as I could, keys in my hand on high aler-t hating every minute of it. But- I did it.

It seems a switch has flipped in the last couple of months. I don’t know if it was simply that I persevered through the anxiety and kept at it. But one day, I realized that the anxiety on my walks was easing. The next step was trying to walk with my keys put away. I pushed through and I did that too. Eventually, I let myself start to enjoy it; smelling the fresh air, listening to the wind in the trees, even the cars driving by stopped seeming so threatening.

I thought perhaps, I could expand my route, so that led me to longer walks, and more success. There is a trail near my house that I had never thought about walking alone. I didn’t think it was possible. I found myself at the entrance to it one day, staring down the stone path. I felt curious about whether I could do it, and I wanted to try. It felt like there was some invisible barrier stopping me. I brought my keys out again, and took a step forward and then another and then another, looking behind me every few steps, stopping to listen for danger; I pushed through and did the trail. And then every single day, until I could put those damn keys away in my pocket.

Now? I go for hour-long walks in my neighborhood every day. My keys are kept in my pocket and I can even listen to music through one headphone while walking. I still do some things to make myself feel safer. I change up my routes daily, I don’t walk at night or at the same time, but… I am walking without feeling crippled by anxiety. I am enjoying them, and now it's something I even look forward to (who would have thought that was possible?)

Some people might think this sounds so ridiculous. I’ve felt embarrassed to talk about it. But fear is a very huge barrier for many people. Some just fear the worst, and others fear the worst because the worst has actually happened to them. There might be days where the anxiety feels stronger than others. Maybe there even might be times where I need to bring those keys back out. But for now? I feel like I am kicking fear’s ass and I am so fucking proud of myself for doing it.