The Feels -Dealing with Emotions

I don't get angry. I mean, I can- usually its on someone else's behalf. Defending someone I love, or an injustice. I will come out swinging if I am protecting someone.

But for myself? To defend myself? It's so rare. I learned early on in life that anger is only met with bigger, scarier, and more violent anger so I just stopped letting myself express it, or even feel it. Instead? I shut down, and made myself small. I put my voice away even when I knew without a doubt I was right - sometimes I still do that.

Growing up I could only have happy feelings. Big smile on my face doing my best to make sure everyone around me was happy. Trying not to make too much noise, or be too difficult, or too child like, or you know- human. If I wanted something I got it myself and if I couldn't I went without. I looked after myself, and praised my mother constantly so I could be safe.

Do you know what happens when you are young and you are never taught that all feelings are valued and important? If you are not taught that feelings can be felt and expressed safely or how to regulate your emotions and self soothe? You have to learn it as an adult and its not fucking easy.

I am learning but I'm still not great at it, though i am making strides.

I've said before that pain is a great catalyst for growth. There is nothing like sitting in a boiling pot of water to motivate you to get the hell out of the pot. I am growing and changing in good ways- I know it.

There's a part of me who still feels afraid to show emotion, which to some of my friends might be shocking- I'm sure they see me as a big softie and in touch with my feelings. I'm not. It was years before i felt I could cry, it was years after that before I would let anyone see me cry. Even now it takes enormous trust for me to do that in front of someone (I'm talking big sobbing cries, not the happy tear kind)

I rarely raise my voice, I never yell, I am soft spoken. But damn sometimes I think it would be healthier for me if I could get angry. If I could just say "fuck off" or "fuck you" or "fuck that shit". My sister calls it "fuck you therapy". Sitting in your car or putting your face into a pillow and scream and swear your head off until you feel better.

I think I need some "fuck you therapy", because - to be honest- I'm getting really tired of trying to make everyone else happy.