Kinky Play and Living with PTSD
I have a diagnosis of Complex PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). You may be familiar with the term PTSD; the complex form means repeated trauma, often beginning in childhood, causing post-traumatic stress disorder. It’s complicated because it’sit’s multi-layered and not from one type of trauma or a singular event. Trauma is trauma, though, and it’s never a competition- whatever you have been through, endured, and survived- there can be a long road to recovery, healing, and finding safety in the world again.
What does PTSD look like for me? How does it manifest?
To put it simply as possible, I have triggers that cause anxiety attacks and intense fear. I experience flashbacks where it feels like I’m right back to where and when the trauma occurred. I dissociate, and I deal with suicidal ideation. I have used self-harm as a means of coping in the past. PTSD can be debilitating.
I believed for a long time that I would never be able to live out my kinky dreams. A lot of it would be too upsetting for me, too triggering. I told myself it would be irresponsible to attempt to participate and put myself in a position where some of my traumatic experiences could be simulated. I felt a lot of shame for even considering it.
So the question I needed to answer was:
Can I experience kink even with my history of trauma and mental health?
The answer for me was YES.
It’s something that each person has to answer for themselves. Only you know your entire history. Only you know what you can manage both emotionally and physically. I will say it’s important to know your limitations as much as possible. It’s essential to have a good understanding of what might trigger you and what soothes you.
Do you know what grounds you and brings you back to the now?
It’s also essential to have these conversations with any potential partner, whether you are a Top or bottom, Dominant, submissive, etc.- you need to discuss these things. Otherwise, you not only put yourself at risk but your partner as well. Some partners may decide not to play with you as a result- but that’s okay. Informed consent matters, and if they aren’taren’t equipped, it is better to know ahead of time than find out mid-scene that you are on your own.
BDSM and kink have helped my healing process, but they aren’t a substitute for therapy (I’ve had a ton of therapy. I’ve been fortunate to have access, and that’s not the case for everyone.) BDSM has helped me become a better communicator. It’s allowed me to practice using my voice, setting limits/boundaries, and not compromising them. It has helped me practice saying no (calling yellow and red in a scene). It’s helped me learn how to listen to my gut and intuition - there was a steep learning curve, and it has been bumpy and challenging.
With a trusted partner, I was able to experience a few scenes that, though challenging and complex, made me feel empowered and strong.
If you have a history of trauma or mental health issues, I want to share some things that have made a difference in my kink journey and healing.
A trauma-informed kink-positive therapist -to help me process my experiences.
A circle of trusted friends in the community
A strong understanding of my history, triggers, dissociation
Partners that are well informed of my history, triggers, dissociation, and the signs
Skills and tools for self-soothing and grounding that I can bring with me and have access to during play/scene - a few of those tools include; ice packs, a blanket/stuffie, a list of questions to ask me, i.e.reminding me of the date and where we are.
A list of those skills, tools, prompts, and emergency contact information for my partner or a friend to reference. I’ve created a free template for you to use (see below)
Patience and the ability to take things slow
An understanding and acceptance that I may get triggered. I can do everything right, and so can my partner, but off days happen, and so does the unexpected.
Above all?
I need compassion for myself and this journey. It’s not easy. It’s not fair that I need to think about these things. What happened to me was not my choice or my fault. But the aftermath is a reality that I have to live with. So I will manage it as best as possible while experiencing what life offers.
Free downloadable tool template below