Tiny Little Deaths

Tiny little deaths,

the moments where I realize I'm no longer who I was.

I've changed.

The old me has been cut away,

the layers of everything I thought to be true about myself have been taken piece by piece.

I am present in this moment

I feel grounded in me and who I am and yet I often don't recognize myself.

So many sacrifices made at the feet of those I loved.

Offering myself wholly.

Completely.

I believed them.

But, then they hemmed me in so tightly, I had to become smaller just to be able breathe... to merely exist.

Ironically, their relentless control became the catalyst which allowed me to finally slip through their fingers and see-

see what was happening

see who I was and why.

There are many cliches for this kind of growth-

the kind that happen from hardship and pain,

"The coal which under extreme pressure becomes a diamond"

"The phoenix who dies and rises triumphantly from the ashes."

All of them apply to me and none of them apply, as I would just like to recognize myself again.

I am wiser than I've ever been, and yet I don't know when or even if the joy and idealistic optimism that once filled the heart on my sleeve will return-

perhaps it's not meant to.

Maybe, it's that after all this time I've finally grown up and realized there is no second star to the right, there is no happy destination where I'll finally arrive, there are no fairies I can clap into existence,

there is no such thing as a love that lasts forever,

There is only now,

There is only this moment.

and that's all there ever was.