My Submission Isn't Passive

My partner (at the time) and I had been in a heated discussion. I don't remember what it was about, but I was upset and irritated by something he said.

A few minutes after the discussion ended, he stripped naked and lay on our bed face down. He instructed me to give him a full body massage. I hesitated for a moment. I was angry, and the last thing I wanted to do was give him a massage or even touch him. Finally, he instructed me again in a firmer tone, so I grabbed the body oil, dropped my clothes to the floor, and started.

I began with long body strokes, my hands sliding up and down his back, slowly increasing the pressure as I went. My face was hot; the anger in me simmered under the surface. I knew I wasn't giving him my usual effort. I knew because I felt so disconnected from him.

It felt awful. It felt horrible going through the motions and doing something reluctantly that I usually did with love and devotion. I felt like I was fighting myself.

So, I made a choice and leaned down, softly kissing his back from the top of his neck down his body. I did so with tenderness, and the anger I had been feeling melted away. I surrendered. I surrendered to the moment, to my place, and to him.

That memory stands out because it encapsulates what I believe about my submission.

My submission is active. It is an action, something I actually need to choose to do over and over again. So it's not always easy, and it's not always immediate.

Sometimes he would get frustrated when I paused after a command because I was considering it. He was right; it would have been easier for me never to question and just obey him.

But for my submission to be meaningful, I needed to consider it. I liked the push, I liked the resistance I felt inside at times, and I loved the eventual bliss of surrender.

That's not to say there weren't times when it was passive too. But, it's easier to kneel and obey when you are in the mood, when you're in a hot steamy play session, and when things are wonderful between you.

When there's tension, or you're tired from a long day at work, when you've given a whole body rub down every single day that week, and your hands ache, and you just don't feel like it- to obey in those moments? To soften against the resistance, you're feeling, surrender, and actively choose to submit?

When I look back, those are the times my submission was the most beautiful.