The Importance of Informed Consent
I’ve had kinky inclinations for most of my sexually active life. In the last several years, I became involved in the BDSM and kink lifestyle. I joined Fetlife, as well as my local community. I’ve attended munches, events, and workshops. Aside from the actual practice of my kinks, I’m incredibly passionate about educating myself in the kink lifestyle, learning how to navigate safely, and sharing what I’ve learned along the way.
I thought I was doing everything right to protect myself — but whether you are brand new to the lifestyle of someone who has been involved for decades, the unexpected can happen. There are consequences you may not even fully realize. I thought I was prepared — I wasn’t.
We should all know about consent and what it looks like in practice. This concept isn’t new, and it is crucial to practice BDSM. When we participate in the types of activities that many kinksters enjoy, “Consent” is the difference between BDSM and abuse. Enthusiastic consent is something I’ve only heard reference to in the last decade or so, and informed consent, I believe, is the crux of ethical BDSM practice.
What is enthusiastic consent?
Enthusiastic consent is a newer model for understanding consent that focuses on a positive expression of consent. Simply put, enthusiastic consent means looking for the presence of a “yes” rather than the absence of a “no.” ¹
To put it plainly, You don’t know what you don’t know- if you’ve never experienced impact play, or fire play, needle play, rope, etc. — how do you know what you are saying “yes” to?
Informed consent is essential for BDSM because a lot of what we like if handled carelessly, can lead to lasting trauma, injury, and even death. By making an effort to equip one another with the knowledge needed to make mindful decisions, we reduce the chance of tragic outcomes down the road.²
Do you fully understand the activity that you’re consenting to? Have you given thought to the possible impacts long term?
I didn’t.
No doubt, kink can be incredibly hot. Power exchange is my favourite kink, and in a power exchange dynamic, I found myself lost in the moment. I became hyper-focused on pleasing and being His. To be honest, I think I was caught up in the idea of living out some picture of romantic fantasy. I loved the intensity. I loved playing on the edge. I enjoyed my boundaries being challenged, and I especially loved diving deeper into my submission. I wanted to melt into him completely- and I did. I absolutely did.
I didn’t realize the implications of our ending or what would happen to me when we were no longer “us.” I was a fool to believe in forever and always. I feel ashamed and silly for believing in fairytales- and there wasn’t a happily forever after for me.
The rituals that became part of my everyday life no longer mattered to him, but I still felt compelled every morning to kneel. I had control over my orgasms again; I could use porn or even dare to imagine someone else- only now? I was programmed for nothing to work without him. I couldn’t orgasm without him — I still struggle sometimes, even now.
I said yes. Enthusiastically said, “yes.” It was a -couldn’t drop to my knees fast enough for him, kind of yes. But I wasn’t informed. I had educated myself on kinks, on BDSM, on power exchange, on safety measures and types of play, on dynamics, protocols, and serving. Still, I failed to look into the consequences of the conditioning and training I was going through. I never for a moment considered that there would be long-term effects of what we were doing.
Neither did he.
But, there is a difference because when I walked away, though, I’m sure I left him with an ache in his heart. I can imagine he misses us and me some days. He can revisit the good times and go over the not-so-good times in his mind. There may even be a space in his life now that feels empty now and then. But he did not experience the lasting effects of mental and emotional conditioning that I still have to work through.
Please take the time to educate yourself before you consent. Speak with others in the kink community. Ask them if they experienced any lasting effects when the dynamic ended. Read. Seek out resources- don’t rely on your dominant to have this information, or even to tell you- unfortunately they likely haven’t thought about it either.
We all know that consent is vital in this lifestyle. Enthusiastic consent can feel easy to give when it’s a kink you’re excited about trying or one that you enjoy. But consent also needs to be informed; you need to understand what you are signing up for and all the possible pitfalls that can come with it. D/s is similar to vanilla relationships — when they end, it’s painful, and you need time to heal, but there are layers in power exchange, and with the kinks we engage in that can take a much longer time to recover from.
It’s essential to prepare yourself before you say “yes.”
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I’ve written this from the submissive perspective because that is how I identify, but it applies to all sorts of dynamics.
¹What Consent Looks Like. RAINN. (n.d.). https://www.rainn.org/articles/what-is-consent.
²Lazarus, M. (2021, May 30). What’s Informed Consent and Why Is It Important In BDSM? The BDSM Training Academy. https://bdsmtrainingacademy.com/whats-informed-consent-and-why-is-it-important-in-bdsm/.