Planning for the Ending: A Submissive's Perspective

"There are no happy endings.

Endings are the saddest part,

So just give me a happy middle

And a very happy start."

-Shel Silverstein

I often get messages asking for advice, guidance or even simply my thoughts from other submissives. I had one the other day that asked:

"What does a submissive do when her dynamic ends?"

For some it's an easy answer, they grieve like they would with any ending.

Heart ache, I think is some of the worst kind of pain yet time can heal and then you do your best to move forward in your life. But power exchange, D/s? It can add layers we don't think about.

As submissives we often accept tasks. We are assigned things to do daily for our Dominants. We create rituals to strengthen our bond together. We serve. We obey. We are given rules to follow to be a good (girl).

In the beginning of the dynamic we are excited by these negotiations, they become the foundation for us. I know for myself- rituals, service, tasks are grounding.

In a 24/7 TPE, the dynamic can feel like a living and breathing entity all on its own.

And when it ends? When the dynamic is no longer living, there is a grief that is hard to describe.

If I have knelt every morning for our entire relationship, when it ends... do I just stop kneeling?

If my Dominant decided what I would wear, and it was a rule; I can't tell you how absolutely wrong it feels to now make the decision on my own. Not that I don't have the skills, of course I do- but its been a rule for so long its become a habit to ask for permission. Then when its over- they aren't there to ask. It can be paralyzing. It feels so wrong.

I don't think the effects of D/s endings are talked about enough.

As kinksters we are told about the importance of negotiation. We become pros at communication. We negotiate almost everything in our dynamics- why don't we plan for endings?

Its easy to get caught up in the romance of it all. Kinky fuckery, power exchange- it feels so damn good. We think idealistically that this will be for always, it will be forever. We tell each other that too fully intending it. Who wants to think about it being over? But dynamics are just relationships, and they can and do end.

Somethings to think about, talk about and plan for-

what will happen to your rules, tasks, and rituals when its over?

Would it be helpful to slowly cut back

Would you want your Dominant to guide you through that? Would they be willing?

would contact be helpful or unhelpful?

is there a close friend that could assist you through the transition?

Please, before you center your life around someone, think about how it would feel to no longer have them in your life. Plan for it, the best way you can. Protect your heart and mind.

I know that power exchange dynamics are exciting. They can be all encompassing and you'll feel more vulnerable and more connected than you have in most previous relationships. It's easy to get caught up in that on both sides of the slash. But its not a game, and it can have real lasting consequences long after you've parted ways.

Note:

This is written from a submissive perspective because that's who I am, dynamics ending of course can have lasting effects for the Dominants as well. This also won't necessarily apply or be needed in every dynamic type, but it is at least worth having the conversation