The Dark and the Light

Note: This piece was inspired by the drawing above. My former partner saw it, wrote the “HIM” portion of this piece and shared it with me. I didn’t realize at the time that he was actually talking about us and himself. I wrote “HER” after things had ended between us.

HIM

There was something special about her. He watched from a distance as she spoke kindly to others. He watched her gentle support and care for the people who surrounded her. There was a beautiful light inside her, and he couldn’t help but wonder what her grace would feel like.

He came before her, and she reached out to him. Her touch felt so good; her love and acceptance helped him breathe. He felt alive again, and for a moment, he felt a sense of relief he didn’t know was possible. He wanted to let her heal him. He was in disbelief that such goodness could exist. But, her very nature proved that it was possible.

Despite all he was and all he’d done, this beauty, full of forgiveness, reached back to him. When he looked into her eyes, he was overwhelmed with feelings of love for her. Tears welled. He was humbled by the power of her grace… but it was too late for him.

Where the hell had she been? She should have been here sooner! Before his atrocities, before the weight of the world, before his heart changed-Where had she been? The anger swells inside him and he resents her.

He realizes that what’s done is done, and he accepts that this is who he'll always be. The memories of his life rush back to the beginning, and he remembers why he chose his path and why he is the way he is.

He doesn’t want to let her go. He won’t let her go. He has her hemmed in, and she will not escape without ripping herself apart. She belongs to him; his darkness consumes him. Rage replaces all his moments of peace. The world is a terrible place- he believes it deserves what he is- and so does he.

HER

She held his face lovingly in her hands and looked deep into his eyes. She loved him. God, did she love him. She held space for his demons because she had her own. She forgave him, for every cruel word, for the fear he caused to rise up in her like waves. She felt paralyzed by it at times; the jealousy that fed his rage was unpredictable. As much as he said he loved her, he often made her think she was too much for him. She made him angry. There were many times where she was afraid of him.

He loved basking in her light, and she loved watching him shine. He wanted all she had to give. He demanded it. Sometimes he would reflect her love back to her, like a mirror. He spoke sweetly then, and the moments they shared in the light were some of the most beautiful moments of her life.

But his darkness always returned, and he blamed her for it. The tenderness he had once loved about her, he now saw as weakness. She clung to him anyway. He had told her so often that she couldn’t exist without him, she believed that was true. One moment her love was a gift, and the next? She was too damaged, too pathetic to be wanted.

Time went by, and she could feel the light in her heart dimming. She stayed anyway. She stayed because she wanted to believe that he loved her as much as she loved him. She stayed because part of her felt that if she could only pull him back from the dark, he would shine again. She stayed because she worried he was right, that she would be nothing and cease to shine without him.

The longer she stayed, the more she became a mere shell of who she used to be. Did he really love her? She knew he loved the way she made him feel, he loved the power he had over her, and he loved her light reflecting back on him.

She held his face lovingly in her hands and looked deep into his eyes. She loved him. She was terrified of what life would be like without him. And though her heart was breaking, she took a step away from him, and then another, and another.

She couldn’t let him destroy her.

She still feels him. She knows he’s watching from the shadows. She knows she might not ever be completely free.

But, you can’t fix the dark. You can shine light into its corners, you can even feel warmth there for a while, but eventually, the light will dim, and the fire inside you will go out.

You have to save yourself.